Spiraling disobedience

I have a 3 year old who I cannot punish.  I know that sounds weird.  When she does something she shouldn't, if I put her in time out or take things away, it just makes things worse.  She seems to spiral downhill more and more the more I try to punish her.  If she hits someone and I put her in timeout, she gets defiant and will then proceed to do something like rip a coloring page.  If I then tell her she loses her crayons, she'll find something else to do.  I frequently can't send her to her room if she's done something wrong, because I'm afraid she's going to start destroying things.  I know part of this is my fault, that she likes to see that she can make me react, but even if I dole out a punishment calmly and without reacting, she still does it.

I'm trying to help her understand that there are consequences to her bad behavior.  Just talking and reasoning with her does not work.  She is 3, after all.  Any suggestions on how to do this? I must admit, she's at least getting better at apologizing after she's done something wrong. And I'm trying to show "an increase of love" afterwards.  I just need to find an effective way to help her to stop when she's done something wrong.  Any ideas? Anyone? Anyone?

Who's in charge?

I keep getting asked by my 5 year old - "Are you in charge of me?"  This has many variations such as "Are you in charge of what I eat?" or "Are you in charge of what I wear?" or "Are you in charge of my stuffed animals?" Keep in mind that these are not innocently asked or deep-searching questions.  They usually follow my telling her to do something like eat her meal or get dressed or clean up.  I kept telling her, "Yes, I am in charge of that", until she started asking me questions that I had to answer with no, such as "No, I'm not in charge of what crayon color you should use".  My husband and I finally came up with a standardized answer that satisfies us, and stumps her.  We now say "No, I'm not in charge of whether you do that or not. But, I am in charge of the consequences from what you choose".  It seemed like a good way to teach agency and responsibility, and really, it just seems to have made her stop asking quite so often.

Butter and Honey

Isaiah 7:15 Butter and honey shall he eat, that he may know to refuse the evil, and choose the good.

I was reading the other day in Isaiah, and this verse stood out to me as a great parenting scripture. Isn't being a good parent all about providing good experiences for your children (butter and honey, so to speak)? When you've gotten used to eating top quality food, it's hard to go back to generic mac & cheese on a daily basis.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if our children are so used to being surrounded by good people and good environments and experiences, that when they are confronted with evil, they automatically refuse it and choose the good instead? We can't force our children to choose good, but we can certainly do our best to make sure they know what is truly good so that the differences are obvious.  That can be a good goal for me - to ask myself each day, "What good thing can I expose my child to today?"