Post-toddlerhood depression

My baby is starting school in a few days.  Okay, so she's five and my oldest, so not really a baby. But when did she really get to be old enough to be in school and not be a toddler anymore? [Insert here songs from Fiddler on the Roof and Saturday's Warrior for effect.] Maybe it's because I have 3 even younger children that aren't old enough for school yet that I find it hard to believe one is. 

She may be excited and ready to start school but I'm not.  I fear change.  Not really, but I definitely enjoy the flexibility of my schedule the past 8 years or so.  It's one of the many reasons I'm self-employed.  I decide when and where I want to go anywhere.  School will change that.  Whether or not I want to, every day I will need to take my daughter to kindergarten at 8 am and pick her up at 10:45 am.  Every day.  In fact, I almost felt guilty telling my daughter that yes, she will go to school still when it's winter, and every day until it's May.  I wanted to warn her that she would also have to go to school every day for another 12-16 years after that.

I like having toddlers.  I guess that's my parenting specialty.  Doesn't every parent have a stage they really enjoy? For some it's the new little babies, for others it's teenagers.  For me, it's toddlers.  Maybe it's because I haven't had any older than that yet.  Some of it is because of the control.  I control my children's schedule, I control what friends they play with, what they learn, what they watch, what they hear, what language they use.  School starts, and I know I will lose a lot of that control.  I'm sending my child away to be with other people for several hours every day. 

I loved school and I have no doubt my child will enjoy it as well.  I also love my daughter, though, and I guess most of all I'll just miss her.  I have no doubt how I'll handle her leaving for college.  Thank goodness I've got another 13 years to prepare for that.