Together as Women

It takes a lot to get me to blog again, but here goes.

I've been thinking a lot the past week or so about the scripture in 1 Corinthians 12, specifically verses 14-27:

"For the body is not one member, but many. If the foot shall say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling? But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him. And if they were all one member, where were the body? But now are they many members, yet but one body. And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you. Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary: And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness. For our comely parts have no need: but God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked: That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it. Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular."

I am blessed to know some incredible women in my life. I am also blessed to know how very different these women are from each other. And yet, they all have one thing in common. They each want to make the world a better place. They just all go about it in a different way.

I know women who marched last week for women's rights. I know women who have setup nonprofits to give children opportunities for service. I know women who are heavily involved in their neighborhood organizations and making sure the schools, traffic, construction, etc. are setup in the right way to keep their families and homes safe. I know women who tutor children. I know women who care for other women's children to give single moms a break. I know women who reach out to my children to care for them and be examples to them. I know women who help spread the joy of the arts in their communities. I know women who do their best to teach and raise their children to be good people.

It makes me sad to hear some women say, metaphorically, "Because you do not serve as I do to make the world a better place, you are not part of the body". We all have the same goal to help improve the world. We are all of the same body of women. Let there "no schism in the body" but let us "have the same care one for another".

Deliberate Parenting

School is out for the summer.  This means I'm reminded once again of how I have a tendency to get lazy in my parenting.  When one child is usually gone all day and another one is gone half the day, I just let the little ones play most of the morning without thinking too much about "parenting".  And when the older ones get home, we only have so much time to worry about things like homework and piano before I'm working on dinner or the evening's activities.  So, I guess it's not just laziness but more like just going with the flow and letting life happen.

School is out and now all 5 of my children are home all day long.  What to do?  As much as I love having free time for the kids to just play all day, I also know they need a little structure to go along with that.  I've had to do that annual soul searching of "What do I want to accomplish this summer?" or "What is it I want to do with my kids each day or have them remember about this summer?"

The summer goes by so quickly. I've been reminded of the need for deliberate parenting.  What do I want to teach my children?  What kind of person do I want them to be?  I can't just let them go completely undirected.  If I want them to enjoy reading, I need to make sure there is time to read and take them to the library to choose books.  If I want them to enjoy doing things outside, I need to make sure we go up the canyon or go to the park or have the opportunity to spend time outside.  If I want them to learn to help other people, I need to provide opportunities for them to do kind things for others.

I know this is something I need to work on year round, but summer is always a great opportunity for me to evaluate how I'm "parenting" my children and what I'm doing to help them become the wonderful people I'd like to see them become.

Color blindness

When I look at my growing up experiences, I've always thought of myself as growing up "color blind". Meaning, I had friends of all kinds of nationalities and races, but they never really seemed that different to me.  I kind of patted myself on the back for not really thinking my friends whose parents were from Korea were any different than my friends who were half-Puerto Rican or African-American.  This kind of goes along with the idea of America being a giant melting pot. (Too much Schoolhouse Rock as a kid, I know).

As I've gotten older and looked at it and tried to teach my children, I've realized I've kind of missed out. I've had Jewish friends, Iranian friends, and Indian friends, but by trying to treat them all the same, I really missed out on understanding who they were and learning more about their cultures.  My kids will make a comment about someone like "They have a brown face and black hair", and I'll say "Yep. They do.  And you have blonde hair.  Everybody has different color skin and hair, don't they?" Really, though, isn't it okay to acknowledge that someone is different and say, we should learn more about the country Venezuela where our neighbor just moved from, rather than just saying, we're all the same? I guess that's the idea of America being more like a giant beef stew rather than a melting pot.

I don't want my children to be rascist by any means, but I think that if we learn a little more about each other and where we came from, there's a lot more understanding and appreciation for differences rather than just being completely color blind.

Zoning out - kid style

We all need time to zone out every once in a while.  You know, when you're brain dead, and feel like you want to just sit on the couch and stare at the wall for an hour - preferably in silence, which isn't going to happen when you have kids around.

I've learned that kids need this sometimes, too.  My kids have learned to say "I need my alone time", when they just need some space and quiet to unwind.  Or, sometimes I tell them to go have some alone time, when the fighting has reached too high of a level.  My 4 year old will play Barbies by herself for alone time.  My 5 year old will do Legos.  My 7 year old will usually go read.  A few weeks ago, though, my 7 year old, pulled out Bop-It for her alone time.  I wasn't as happy with that, and not just because it's an obnoxious game.

I confess that video/computer games scare me a little.  Not because I think there's anything inherently wrong with them.  We mainly don't have them because my kids are little and I think it's easier and better for them to play games together or that involve them using their creativity.  And, I have a fear of turning my children into Zombies who don't know how to entertain themselves.  As my 7 year old sat and played Bop-It for her alone time, I could totally see her zoning out.  I know it's okay to zone out every now and then, but I think that addictive behaviors sometimes start because we need to zone out and we're looking for something that doesn't require our mind to think.

I know.  I sound completely paranoid as if my 7 year old is going to be an addict to something because she plays Bop-It.  That's not really it.  It just made me think about teaching my children to zone out productively, if that makes sense.  I'd much rather they sit and read or play music or draw when they need to zone out rather than rely on electronics.  I know that for me, it's much more refreshing to zone out by playing the piano or reading a book, than watching TV or going through Facebook. What do you think? Am I being paranoid? Or is there really such a thing as teaching children to productively zone out?

This motherhood stuff can be hard work

So, I came to a realization this week that this motherhood stuff can be hard work. Not that it always is, but it certainly can be.  I know. 5 children later and I'm just realizing this?

School got out for the summer this week. Really that means my 7 year old is now home all day with her 4 younger siblings.  Not that much of a change really. I decided I didn't want her to forget everything she's learned in 1st grade (although I'm pretty doubtful that could really happen, especially since she loves to read), so I decided to do "summer school" for all the kids. After quiet time each day (have I mentioned how much I love quiet time?), the kids get out their "journals". My 7 year old's is lined paper where she just has to write 4 sentences or so. The 5 year old draws a picture and tries to write about the picture.  The 4 year old draws a picture and I write what she tells me about it. The 2 year old scribbles all over a blank page and throws the crayons all over the place. I'm giving the 4 month old a reprieve from school. After journals, we do one activity for the day and the 2 older ones then practice their piano.  Monday we did handwriting/practicing letters, Tuesday was a math worksheet for each one, Wednesday we did an art project, Thursday we did a science experiment, and Friday we talked about a "social studies" topic.

We really only spend maybe 30 minutes tops on all of this, but man, it was hard work.  I'm a wimp, I know.  I gained even greater respect for my friends and family who homeschool their children.  I understand that usually they have a pre-set curriculum they follow, and their kids are probably a little bit older, but still.  Hard work.

One of the things I realized as I do this, is that I don't take very much time to be "actively involved" in my childrens' learning.  That doesn't mean I'm not teaching them.  I am.  But I don't think very much about what I want to teach them and how I should teach them.  I think I've been missing out a little bit.  I'm pretty good at letting them just play (which I think is also pretty darn important), and hoping I can get something done, like maybe sweep the floor, while everyone is occupied and getting along.  Managing the chaos can be hard, but it's not a purposefully difficult task.  It can be pretty easy to just let my children manage their own learning or let someone else teach them.  I'm not sure that's really want I want, though.  I've realized I need to spend some time deciding "What things do I want my children to learn and know" and then plan on what I'm going to do to help them learn this. Hard work. But so worth it.

Repetitive phrases

There are certain repetitive phrases from my childhood that I still hear in my head. To this day, if I'm running around in my socks, I'll hear in my head "Either put your shoes on, or take your socks off". When my children ask "What's for dinner?" I respond as my mom did by saying "Pickled pigs feet and sauerkraut." There are other phrases I repeat to my children, that I wonder if 40 years down the road, they'll still hear in their heads. Phrases like the following:

"Shoes and coats!" "Hair and teeth!" "Wipe, flush, wash your hands."

Or these:

To my 7 year old: "Coat, shoes, backpack away." "Feet down." "Stop shoveling your food."

To my 5 year old: "Sit on your bum. No perching." "Don't throw a fit. Just ask for help."

To my 4 year old: "Just be patient." "Do you have any underwear on?" [Really. I say this one quite a lot.]

To my 2 year old: "Don't throw [insert an object here]." "Where are your pants?"

To my baby: "Read a book, sing a song, take a nap." "Double duty diaper duty!" [This is when I'm changing two kids at once. Which happens frequently."

Most importantly, though, I hope that 40 years down the road they still hear in their heads "I love you!"

I want to raise children like that.

I was reading an article in the newspaper the other day deseretnews.com about a local high school student who was held up in his golf game by a group of high school girls golfing in a competition and sharing a single set of golf clubs.  He learned that a lot of girls high school golf teams had this same problem of only having a single set of golf clubs, which made it difficult for them to practice and compete.  He decided to do something about it.  He wrote some letters, made some phone calls and flyers, and started collecting equipment.  In the end, he outfitted seven different high schools with several sets of clubs and lots of other equipment.  All of this, because he saw a need and acted on it. 

As I read this article, I thought "I want to raise children like that". I want my children to grow up to become adults and even teeanagers who see a need and act on it.  I want them to have that Christ-like love for others and look for ways to help others. I then realized that if I want to raise children like that, I need to be like that myself.  Most children are not going to automatically be able to identify someone else's needs and know how to help.  They need examples and the best way to teach them this is to show them myself.  It would be fairly hypocritical of me to tell my children "You need to help others", if I am not doing it myself. 

So, I'm trying.  I'm looking for ways to help my children learn to look out for others.  A woman I had gone to church with as a young single adult recently passed away as she gave birth to her sixth child.  ksl.com. A fund has been setup to help her family deal with medical costs, the cost of raising 5 children as a single father, etc. I explained this to my children and told them I was going to put $10 into this account and that they could put some of their money in two.  My two daughters each said "I want to give $1 to them", so we're going to the bank to deposit this money.  My 5 year old son didn't want to, but I'm not going to force him to.  I'm just trying to get in the habit of looking for how we can help out when we hear about someone who needs help.  Hopefully I can develop this quality better in my life and raise children like that.

Spiraling disobedience

I have a 3 year old who I cannot punish.  I know that sounds weird.  When she does something she shouldn't, if I put her in time out or take things away, it just makes things worse.  She seems to spiral downhill more and more the more I try to punish her.  If she hits someone and I put her in timeout, she gets defiant and will then proceed to do something like rip a coloring page.  If I then tell her she loses her crayons, she'll find something else to do.  I frequently can't send her to her room if she's done something wrong, because I'm afraid she's going to start destroying things.  I know part of this is my fault, that she likes to see that she can make me react, but even if I dole out a punishment calmly and without reacting, she still does it.

I'm trying to help her understand that there are consequences to her bad behavior.  Just talking and reasoning with her does not work.  She is 3, after all.  Any suggestions on how to do this? I must admit, she's at least getting better at apologizing after she's done something wrong. And I'm trying to show "an increase of love" afterwards.  I just need to find an effective way to help her to stop when she's done something wrong.  Any ideas? Anyone? Anyone?

Manipulative Mom

I've recently discovered one of my flaws as a Mom.  I actually discover these all the time. This one I discovered by listening to my children talking and hearing echoes of what I say.

I hear my children say things like this: "If you don't give me that toy, I'm never going to play with you ever again!" Or "If you don't play with me right now, I'll never ever let you play with my toys again." It drives me crazy. I don't like my children manipulating each other into having to play a certain game or do something.

Then I heard myself the other day. "If you guys are going to be obnoxious and disobedient at the grocery store like this, I'm never going to take you grocery shopping with me again."

Ouch. It's one thing to hear your children repeat the way you say things that are funny. It's another to hear them say something that you know you shouldn't be saying. So, I'm trying to watch my words more carefully and find better ways to get my children to do/not do things. I'm trying to be more positive/motivating in getting them to do/not do things. I know manipulation like this is wrong. Let's hope I can change my ways and be a better example for my kids.

Personal finance principles...applied to child rearing

As I finished up another tax season of working much more than I really like to, I was thinking about some personal finance principles that I teach.  Here are some of them applied to child rearing.

1 - Start the saving habits now. Don't wait until you have a lot of money.
It would be so easy to get  a lot of work done if I ignored my children. It would be so easy to say "I'll play games with them when I'm not so busy" or "I'll start taking them on walks once tax season is over". It's not true.  Life doesn't really get less busy.  We always seem to find things to occupy our time. If I don't get in the habit of making my children a priority and finding time to play with them even when I'm busy, it's not going to happen. Ever.

2 - It's never too early to start.
Just like the principle of compound interest, it's never too early to invest in teaching your children. If you start when they're young, it's so much easier than trying to teach them something when they're 13 and don't really want to listen to Mom and Dad.  Not that 3 year olds want to listen that much more, but at least you have a few more opportunities.

3 - Even a little bit makes a difference.
Sometimes, even just the little things we do with our children make a difference. Five minutes spent coloring with my child, or 30 minutes on a "date" with a child may seem like a little thing, but sometimes it ends up being something a child remembers and brings up over and over again.

A good reminder to myself that a true principle is a true principle regardless of what subject it is applied to.

I hate chore charts

I hate chore charts.  I don't necessarily hate doing chores, but for some reason I don't like little charts that track whether or not chores have been done.  I have chore charts for my kids.  It's a little grid I print off the computer that has about 5 chores and a square to put a sticker on for each day of the week. It doesn't work.  My kids will beg me: "Print our chore charts out!" and I'll try again.  Mondays usually are full of stickers of the chart.  Tuesday has about half that.  It starts to disappear after Wednesday.  We'll do this for a week or two before I just get tired of nagging my children to do their chores, and they don't really care whether they get a sticker or not.  So the charts will disappear for a week or two at a time.  It doesn't affect whether or not they're supposed to do their chores, but I stop tracking it.  I guess it's laziness on my part, but if they don't care, I don't care either.  I guess I need to find a better system for making sure they do their chores.  Any suggestions?

Family night chaos

Every Monday night our family has Family Home Evening. I completely understand how important it is for our family to develop this tradition of putting other things aside and spending time together as a family.  And about every other week I wonder how effective it really is and whether it's worth it.  Here's a sample of how it went at our house this evening.

By the time we finally finished dinner & treats (we have those before we start), there were about 20 minutes until bedtime.  We all sat down on the couches together, except for the baby who was on the floor making noise.  The 2 year old had been having a fit, so the only thing that made her happy was if we gave her the little American flag to hold that has been perched on top of the bookshelf since July.  This, of course, required that the 3 year old and 5 year old have their flags also. The 3 year old was in charge of music, so we sang Popcorn Popping, with flags waving.  Our 5 year old gave an opening prayer. 

Our 5 year old was supposed to be in charge of sharing a family history story.  She decided she wanted to just talk about families.  It went something like this: "Families should have family home evening.  Some families have gardens with lots of flowers.  Some families have dogs.  [I'm going to talk about the year]. Some families go sledding together."  While this was going on, I was in between 2 children waving flags, trying desperately not to be poked in the head.  Dad gave a lesson then on Jacob & his sons (Joseph, etc.), talking about how we should be nice to others even if they are not nice to us. (A timely lesson considering the amount of fighting going on in our house lately). The older 2 children are listening and giving examples of people doing mean things, while the 2 year old wanders and I have to pick up the baby who is yelling, so that he can be fed.  This lesson was repeatedly interrupted with me saying "No fencing with the flags". This was followed by a closing song of "I Hope They Call Me on a Mission" and a closing prayer and a 10 minute game of Hide and Seek.  Topped off, of course, with some fighting and whining as we head upstairs for bedtime.

I understand that really the consistency is what is key and is what our children will remember, more than whatever is taught in a lesson.  But, wow, sometimes it's easy to see why so many families don't take the time to spend time in a confined space together on a weekly basis.

Emergency plan = sleepovers?

We were having a family home evening lesson this week about emergency preparedness.  We talked to the kids about being prepared for emergencies what to do in case of a fire, earthquake, tornado, etc.  We made sure they knew they could find a police officer if they were lost and practiced telling their name, phone number, parents name, and street address.  We asked them what we could do if there was a problem at our home, where we could go nearby that was safe, and they suggested we go to our friends' house that is just behind ours.  Our 5 year old then said rather excitedly, "If you and Dad both died, we could go over to their house and have lots of sleepovers!"

Um, yeah.  I guess we succeeded in not making our lesson too scary.  Hopefully we prepared them a little bit still. 

The inevitable question

So my 5 year old daughter finally asked the inevitable question of her pregnant mother.  No, she didn't ask where babies came from.  But she did look at me kind of funny after breakfast today and say "So, how does the baby get out?"  With her, my 3 year old son and my 1 year old daughter staring at me, I paused as I quickly thought of all the different ways I could answer the question.  Do I give her graphic details? Do I lie? Do I make up a story that explains what a beautiful thing childbirth is? Is there a perfect response to this question?

I settled with telling her that some people have their stomachs cut open for the baby to come out, with medicine given to them so it doesn't hurt and they can't feel it.  I told her girls have a place near where they pee where the baby comes out. It's kind of like when you poop.  They thought it was hilarious to think you kind of poop out a baby.  When they're a little bit older, I'm sure I can have a proper discussion with them about how babies are born, but for now, I think they really just wanted to know in basics.  It caught me off guard.  Hopefully I haven't scarred their views of childbirth and their proper scientific learning for life!

Swinging Monkeys

Folding laundry is a fun time in my family.  Weird, huh? I always hear people complain about laundry, but I guess I don't have enough kids yet or big enough kids yet that it is overwhelming for me. Or maybe I just don't wash things enough!  I do one load a day 3 or 4 times a week.  (Not counting those small quick loads where someone has leaked onto their clothes and they need to go right into the wash). Doing it this way, putting a load in just becomes part of my morning routine and it never gets overwhelming. 

In the late afternoon, in that time period before I need to start getting dinner ready and when the kids are starting to get tired, we all go upstairs with a basket of clean laundry to Mom & Dad's bedroom.  I dump the clothes on the bed, and the kids all climb onto the bed with all the clothes. (Note: I rarely buy clothing that needs to be ironed.) They run around on and jump off the bed while we do the little rhyme of "Five little monkeys swinging in a tree, teasing Mr. Crocodile".  I pretend to be Mr. Crocodile and "snap" them off the bed in a hug.  It's so much fun, that it makes folding laundry (which comes after the rhyme, while they're jumping off the bed onto the pillows on the floor) so much more bearable.  They even ask if they can go to Swinging Monkeys. Granted, they're not folding all the laundry for me, but they see me doing it, and the older ones will try to find their clothes in the pile and even attempt folding them all by themselves.  I keep hoping also that this is one of those things that if I don't make it seem like a horrible chore to do, they'll be more willing to help with it or do it themselves as they get older.  More of the "spoonful of sugar" helping the medicine go down, I guess!

Butter and Honey

Isaiah 7:15 Butter and honey shall he eat, that he may know to refuse the evil, and choose the good.

I was reading the other day in Isaiah, and this verse stood out to me as a great parenting scripture. Isn't being a good parent all about providing good experiences for your children (butter and honey, so to speak)? When you've gotten used to eating top quality food, it's hard to go back to generic mac & cheese on a daily basis.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if our children are so used to being surrounded by good people and good environments and experiences, that when they are confronted with evil, they automatically refuse it and choose the good instead? We can't force our children to choose good, but we can certainly do our best to make sure they know what is truly good so that the differences are obvious.  That can be a good goal for me - to ask myself each day, "What good thing can I expose my child to today?"

Don't be vindictive.

vin·dic·tive [vin-dik-tiv]–adjective: disposed or inclined to revenge; vengeful
As teenagers, my siblings & I would frequently hear my mom say "Don't be vindictive".  This was usually when one of our friends did something to make us angry or hurt our feelings.  She would tell us not to waste our energy trying to get even or react to them, but to move on.  I had no idea this advice would apply to me as a mother as well.

The other day my children made one of the biggest messes they've ever made of my kitchen.  This picture doesn't really do it justice, as it was taken after they had cleaned up some. The floor was covered with water, milk, carrots, hot cocoa, half a bottle of ranch dressing, every apron, and half the kid cups and bowls.  My 2 year old was sitting on the counting, dumping out a packet of dry honey ham glaze all over everything and laughing.  I was not laughing. 

This is one of those moments as a parent when I'm sure I could have just laughed about the whole thing.  Or, I could have taught them a calm lesson about listen to our conscience and what we know if right or wrong.  Or, I could have politely explained to them why they shouldn't dump food all over the floor.  I didn't do any of those things.  I just lost it.  Granted, my losing it is not quite as scary as it could be, but I was furious.  Apparently when they had made a giant mess several months ago, I didn't quite get the point across. My 4 year old said "Sorry we made such a mess mom.  We were having fun."  My 2 year old doesn't know the concept of remorse, so he was still laughing.

I was angry enough, that I just wanted them to be punished somehow and feel guilty for what they had done.  I wanted to be vindictive.  I remembered something my wise sister had told me before - that the point is not to make your children feel guilty, because they won't; the point is to make them understand that there are consequences for their actions.  I'm good at feeling guilty, though.  It's something I inherited.  And I think that because of that I wanted my children to feel guilty about what they had done.  It actually took me at least an hour before I felt like I was over it and not angry at my children for their actions. 

I understand that they're just little kids and they're not trying to be mean.  They also don't quite understand the concept of "wasting" food by dumping it out or of not wanting to clean up a mess. But, wow, it's hard not to feel vindictive even of little kids sometimes.  It's one of those things you're never told before you have children.  As parents, we still have to move on and get over the things our children do, just as we did with our teenage friends.

A spoonful of sugar

Being Mary Poppins is exhausting.  It's hard work to make things fun and exciting for my kids.  It would be so much easier in many ways to just not try to make them clean up after themselves, or behave, or go to sleep, or be nice to each other, etc. etc.  But it's oh so true that if I add some fun into these things, my kids enjoy it and do it.  I don't really enjoy cleaning up clutter, so of course my kids don't enjoy cleaning it up.  But if we march the toy animals into their box while singing a song or race the cars back into the box, the cleaning goes much faster and none of us are whining or frustrated.  Of course, I'd still love to be able to snap my fingers and have them march themselves into the boxes.  I just have to tell myself, sometimes over and over again, that if I "train up my child" now when they are young, they will learn and be able to do it by themselves someday.  Right?

Hooray for healthy food choices!

I eat much healthier now that I have kids than I ever did when I was single.  I think I got kind of freaked out when my first child starting eating real food, feeling pressure that somehow whatever she ate in her 2nd year of life was going to determine how healthy she was when she was 80 years old.  When I was single, I ate one thing for a meal, e.g. just mac & cheese (or a Michelina frozen meal).  Fruits and vegetables always went bad before I ate them (except for bananas). When I started feeding my child, I made a goal to have some kind of fruit or vegetable at every meal, even if it was just a cup of orange juice.  Luckily, I was blessed with a first child who really was just born craving healthy foods.  It's never been uncommon for her to turn down junk food. 

Because I try to feed my kids healthier, it means I eat healthier now as well.  I've been trying lately to eat salads for lunches. I'll make something for my kids to eat, and then make a salad with green leaf lettuce, mushrooms, tomatoes, and maybe ham or kidney beans with ranch dressing for myself to eat.  Apparently my kids have noticed this, because the other day my 4 year old and 2 year old both said, "I want some salad, too."  So, of course, I obliged and gave each of them a little salad to eat.  They didn't eat it all, but I wanted to shout "Hooray"!  It's not always that as a parent you get to "reap" the rewards of trying to teach something to your children.  They may not always ask for salad or want to eat healthy, but I'll take the little steps towards making healthy food choices anytime!

(Now I'll need to make sure they don't see me sneaking a brownie after I eat that salad).